To Wonder and Know
by ILoveThesePeople
Summary: Later on, in the secrecy of the dark, she will wish she had the innocence of wondering again.  Yet that is a story for another day, one where Happily Every Afters are left hidden far away.


**Title: To Wonder and Know **

**Author: ILoveThesePeople **

**Fandom: BBC MERLIN **

**Rating: T for Teen. **

**Pairings: Merlin/Morgana **

**Characters: Morgana, Merlin, Arthur, and Gwen. **

**Word Count: 780 **

**Spoilers: Season 2, episode 12. **

**Warnings: None that I can think of at the moment. **

**Genre: Romance/Tragedy **

**Disclaimer: The show **_**MERLIN **_**does not belong to me and never will. All characters and concepts belong to their rightful owners. **

**Summary: Later on, in the secrecy of the dark, she will wish she had the innocence of wondering again. Yet that is a story for another day, one where **_**Happily Every After**_**s are left hidden far away. **

**Author's Note: M/M! YAY! No, seriously, my muse is on an M/M roll lately. I swear I have over ten stories in progress about the two of them, including one multi-chapter story which I should be posting soon. Anyway, if you could kindly read and review it would make my day! Criticism is welcomed, but no flames please! **

She wonders who he is at times.

She thinks she knows some days, when the sun is high in the sky and all is at peace. It is on those days he smiles the brightest and laughs the loudest and it is impossible not to love him, even if only a small amount. It is then that he is Merlin of Ealador, son of Hunith, best friend of deceased and beloved William. A man who would give the world and shoulder your burdens without a second thought. A boy who secretly shooed away animals when Arthur turned his back on a hunt and snuck some food down to the children in the lower towns. The servant who left _the _Arthur Pendragon mollified and irritated and protective all at the same time. The friend who made Gwen smile when her father's death was on her mind. The protector who sits by her bedside on her worse nights, weaving stories of _once upon a time _and _happily ever after _until a peaceful sleep engulfs her.

Yet Uther has made an enemy of them all and peace is so rare that it is no surprise when it shatters. Death and danger creep around the castle walls, bringing with it stories of beasts and evil sorcery and innocent people in the crossfire. It is in those times she feels as though she had been gazing at nothing but an illusion. It is then that his smile is dim and his laugh rings falsely and she is left staring at a façade of man. There are flecks of gold in his eyes at these times and he stands in front of Arthur when such an occasion occurs, as if he could somehow save him and them all. She longs to ask when such a thing occurs. But fear of the truth has always been humanity's downfall in the end so she instead keeps quiet, terrified that she will be right and all her trust of him will fall away as he proves he had none in her.

Then there are the days where everything seems caught in lunacy. Blood of innocences spilled and souls trialed and creatures prowling the Earth with something like blood lust glittering in their eyes. It is then she can see something so painstakingly _real _and beautiful inside of him that makes him otherworldly. Where he is something that can cure the world of its taint and rid it of its prejudices. Something that can bring the universe to a halt, but has never even thought to do so. Some_one _who could see through the haze of evil and the seduction of power and believes that in the end of the day everything will be alright. And it is in those moments that any doubts she had would fade, crumple and fold themselves away to be stored, forgotten in the back of her mind. Then she knows that she would both die and live for him, both serve and command him, without ever having a regret.

So when he hands her a skin of water, eyes sunken with exhaustion and grief, she takes it without any further questions. She wants to tell him everything will be alright, that they will find a way to restore Camelot and its people. But Arthur is outside, energy slowly being drained from him as he fights for his life. The people of Camelot are strewn across the streets as if they no longer breathe and a guilt so heavy she can barely breathe has settled in her chest and she knows she can say no such thing. So instead she ignores the nausea eating away at her stomach and takes a large gulp. It sickens her stomach to the point she worries that she is going to retch, but she takes another, smaller, sip. Because she can see the silent shakes of Merlin's shoulders and the tense line that is now his back and knows he must feel utterly useless. If what he needs to ease his worry is to fret over her then she will allow it without a fuss. And when she sets down the skin of water and feels the tightening of her throat, the slow, careful burn in her veins, her first thought is to deny it. He turns towards her, though, and his face is streaked with tears and he looks impossibly defeated and alone and she knows. The sting of betrayal feels like a wound and the gathering of tears blurs her vision. Nonetheless she looks up at what she knows to be his frame as it slowly approaches her.

She looks up at him and wonders who he is.


End file.
